Too Complicated ?

I hate that I always am curious and want to investigate everything. I hate that I overthink things. I'm told that it's a good thing, but the truth is, it makes people loathe you. They see you as pretentious, stuck up, weird. It's a social death. But it's like an addiction.

I wish I could just go along with things like everyone else. I'm tired of being hurt, ostracized, fucked over. Logic would say that people would respect you as an individual. But humans are tribalistic creatures.

I wish for once a bridge would guide my way, and not burn right in front of me. :(

Not EZPZ to write about

I have Social Anxiety. Actual, medically diagnosed Social Anxiety. That means that the neurons in my body go haywire over social interaction the same they would, if someone that doesn't have it, would react to a dangerous situation. It's a living hell.

However, I got really better for awhile. That's almost ten years ago. All the social skills I gained are lost again after moving here to where I am now. I live in a place where I don't want to go outside. It isn't worth the bad air, the constant barrage of cars everywhere you go, and the bitchy attitudes of people, and always the possibility that someone is going to harass or try to mug you.

It affects my social interaction too. I've fucked up potential friendships online because my social skills are so blehh. I seem to be uptight and boring, not creative, et cetera, when in reality I'm a bird in a cage that can't fly right now.

Idk what to do. I see why so many people off themselves while living here. It's the city of broken dreams for so many, that try so hard to fit in. I won't do that.

But I wish I could apologize to people at times, but that would probably seem ridiculous and disingenuous. Only if I could stop burning bridges though, that would help ~

Wanderlust

Leave it all, Turn away
Longest walk, in the rain
Coldest night, in the fray
One last smoke, before the train

Compassion is just fashion
And a kiss is not real
Punch-drunk on illusions
Or things to make you feel

Leave it all, Run away
Nothing left, in the fray
Hidden tears, in the rain
LIning eyes, to hide this pain
Compassion is just fashion
And a kiss is not real
Punch-drunk on illusions
Or things to make you feel

https://soundcloud.com/mel-l-vesper

Confuzzled?

It's weird to me when people, guys, say "my D is very confused." I always wonder if I should be the voice of liberation and advise them that they should let their "D" like what it likes, and not stress over it so much.