Motoko - Transhumanism - Reflection

Motoko has a disconnect from her body, her "shell." She frequently wears scantily clad, or sometimes no clothing, because to her, her body is just a tool, a machine. Her "Ghost" makes her who she is, but she doesn't really know who she is, and is in constant conflict.
Those around her, especially Batou, sees her as any other human. He looks away when she isn't properly covered.

The disconnect she has with her on flesh, is probably some Freudian reason why I love her as a character so much. Maybe I can relate, but in a different way, idk ....

Done with the "Skeptic" thing

I was involved in the skeptic community when I felt a strong push for theocratic rule in my country, denial of climate change, et cetera.

But I've seen that community turn into a reactionary, negative, community that now embraces "pwned" or "rekt" culture, and sympathizes with really bad people. While being a skeptic is supposed to be about personal freedom, so many of them want society to be a dull, Polo shirt-tucked, subdued generation. They mock anything remotely alternative. I've seen so many of them call anything that is even moderately supportive of lgbt rights, (ala adding lgbt characters to video games) "sjw." I'm so sick and tired of that word being tossed around, and its lost its entire meaning.

I don't support far-left ideology, and I do find a lot of the divisive tactics of modern social justice movements a detriment to a peaceful, altruistic society, but I'm not going to stoop as low and joining in on "gotcha" comments/videos, or the whole "look at this lulcow," mentality. This "jockbro" cesspool that the skeptic community has become, has been really off-putting.

People need to learn to think for themselves, stop being tribalistic, think really hard about what they're getting into and if it benefits the world in a positive light in lieu of just dishing out negative shit to the universe.

Google Maps (Visions of the Past)

That hill, by my school, once covered in trees, my "secret place" as a child, the place where I went sledding on the rare occasion that it snowed, is now bare, open, the lawn freshly trimmed.

The roads remain still cracked and unkept, the polar opposite of the city life I have been living for years.

The road with the slanted hill, flashback to that one near-death experience. The crazy friend that I had with the truck who wanted to "jump the hill" and almost hit another car while my bestie and I were in the back.

The corner store, who loved my "strange" friends and I, and imported pop soda flavors by our request everyday when we shopped there after highschool, the one by our bus stop, is still alive and well.

The bike trails, once secluded are stripped of trees as well. The place where I would take dangerous midnight bike rides.

The house I grew up in, looks almost the same. Still has the cross that my carpenter grandfather made, attached to the siding. It's creepy, yet endearing at the same time.

There is even more of a church and Wal-Mart on every corner now.

Fast food is in abundance.

Too Complicated ?

I hate that I always am curious and want to investigate everything. I hate that I overthink things. I'm told that it's a good thing, but the truth is, it makes people loathe you. They see you as pretentious, stuck up, weird. It's a social death. But it's like an addiction.

I wish I could just go along with things like everyone else. I'm tired of being hurt, ostracized, fucked over. Logic would say that people would respect you as an individual. But humans are tribalistic creatures.

I wish for once a bridge would guide my way, and not burn right in front of me. :(

Not EZPZ to write about

I have Social Anxiety. Actual, medically diagnosed Social Anxiety. That means that the neurons in my body go haywire over social interaction the same they would, if someone that doesn't have it, would react to a dangerous situation. It's a living hell.

However, I got really better for awhile. That's almost ten years ago. All the social skills I gained are lost again after moving here to where I am now. I live in a place where I don't want to go outside. It isn't worth the bad air, the constant barrage of cars everywhere you go, and the bitchy attitudes of people, and always the possibility that someone is going to harass or try to mug you.

It affects my social interaction too. I've fucked up potential friendships online because my social skills are so blehh. I seem to be uptight and boring, not creative, et cetera, when in reality I'm a bird in a cage that can't fly right now.

Idk what to do. I see why so many people off themselves while living here. It's the city of broken dreams for so many, that try so hard to fit in. I won't do that.

But I wish I could apologize to people at times, but that would probably seem ridiculous and disingenuous. Only if I could stop burning bridges though, that would help ~

Wanderlust

Leave it all, Turn away
Longest walk, in the rain
Coldest night, in the fray
One last smoke, before the train

Compassion is just fashion
And a kiss is not real
Punch-drunk on illusions
Or things to make you feel

Leave it all, Run away
Nothing left, in the fray
Hidden tears, in the rain
LIning eyes, to hide this pain
Compassion is just fashion
And a kiss is not real
Punch-drunk on illusions
Or things to make you feel

https://soundcloud.com/mel-l-vesper

Confuzzled?

It's weird to me when people, guys, say "my D is very confused." I always wonder if I should be the voice of liberation and advise them that they should let their "D" like what it likes, and not stress over it so much.