I'm just your average filthy space anti-hero. I blog about gaming, life, love, hate, sex, and failed attempts of conquering the galaxy. Mostly about life and ramblings though
I was involved in the skeptic community when I felt a strong push for theocratic rule in my country, denial of climate change, et cetera.
But I've seen that community turn into a reactionary, negative, community that now embraces "pwned" or "rekt" culture, and sympathizes with really bad people. While being a skeptic is supposed to be about personal freedom, so many of them want society to be a dull, Polo shirt-tucked, subdued generation. They mock anything remotely alternative. I've seen so many of them call anything that is even moderately supportive of lgbt rights, (ala adding lgbt characters to video games) "sjw." I'm so sick and tired of that word being tossed around, and its lost its entire meaning.
I don't support far-left ideology, and I do find a lot of the divisive tactics of modern social justice movements a detriment to a peaceful, altruistic society, but I'm not going to stoop as low and joining in on "gotcha" comments/videos, or the whole "look at this lulcow," mentality. This "jockbro" cesspool that the skeptic community has become, has been really off-putting.
People need to learn to think for themselves, stop being tribalistic, think really hard about what they're getting into and if it benefits the world in a positive light in lieu of just dishing out negative shit to the universe.
That hill, by my school, once covered in trees, my "secret place" as a child, the place where I went sledding on the rare occasion that it snowed, is now bare, open, the lawn freshly trimmed.
The roads remain still cracked and unkept, the polar opposite of the city life I have been living for years.
The road with the slanted hill, flashback to that one near-death experience. The crazy friend that I had with the truck who wanted to "jump the hill" and almost hit another car while my bestie and I were in the back.
The corner store, who loved my "strange" friends and I, and imported pop soda flavors by our request everyday when we shopped there after highschool, the one by our bus stop, is still alive and well.
The bike trails, once secluded are stripped of trees as well. The place where I would take dangerous midnight bike rides.
The house I grew up in, looks almost the same. Still has the cross that my carpenter grandfather made, attached to the siding. It's creepy, yet endearing at the same time.
There is even more of a church and Wal-Mart on every corner now.
I hate that I always am curious and want to investigate everything. I hate that I overthink things. I'm told that it's a good thing, but the truth is, it makes people loathe you. They see you as pretentious, stuck up, weird. It's a social death. But it's like an addiction.
I wish I could just go along with things like everyone else. I'm tired of being hurt, ostracized, fucked over. Logic would say that people would respect you as an individual. But humans are tribalistic creatures.
I wish for once a bridge would guide my way, and not burn right in front of me. :(
I have Social Anxiety. Actual, medically diagnosed Social Anxiety. That means that the neurons in my body go haywire over social interaction the same they would, if someone that doesn't have it, would react to a dangerous situation. It's a living hell.
However, I got really better for awhile. That's almost ten years ago. All the social skills I gained are lost again after moving here to where I am now. I live in a place where I don't want to go outside. It isn't worth the bad air, the constant barrage of cars everywhere you go, and the bitchy attitudes of people, and always the possibility that someone is going to harass or try to mug you.
It affects my social interaction too. I've fucked up potential friendships online because my social skills are so blehh. I seem to be uptight and boring, not creative, et cetera, when in reality I'm a bird in a cage that can't fly right now.
Idk what to do. I see why so many people off themselves while living here. It's the city of broken dreams for so many, that try so hard to fit in. I won't do that.
But I wish I could apologize to people at times, but that would probably seem ridiculous and disingenuous. Only if I could stop burning bridges though, that would help ~
Leave it all, Turn away
Longest walk, in the rain
Coldest night, in the fray
One last smoke, before the train
Compassion is just fashion
And a kiss is not real
Punch-drunk on illusions
Or things to make you feel
Leave it all, Run away
Nothing left, in the fray
Hidden tears, in the rain
LIning eyes, to hide this pain
Compassion is just fashion
And a kiss is not real
Punch-drunk on illusions
Or things to make you feel
It's weird to me when people, guys, say "my D is very confused." I always wonder if I should be the voice of liberation and advise them that they should let their "D" like what it likes, and not stress over it so much.
Could be great, but toxicity and "Hollywood" culture ruined these places for awhile now.
There are a few clubs out here run by djs who have a passion for the music, some of whom even spin in Leipzig's Wave Gotik Treffen. I used to love talking with so many of them at great lengths about bands, about projects they are working on, and geeking out about Minimal Wave + Post-Punk. They're good people.
But I stopped going to the clubs for several reasons.
The scene, at least in most places in the United States, isn't very enthusiastic, it's dwindling. There aren't enough people to financially sustain a regular club night. Social Media, and obnoxious pop stars (dare I say) appropriating the 'Goth' look has kind of watered down the allure of it, and most people have moved onto other things. Therefore, the clubs were watered down as well.
The djs I'm referring to had a HUGE music collection, but they were only allowed to play certain bands, as to not stave off the wandering Hollywood normie. Cookie cutter people love Depeche Mode and The Cure nowadays, so that was fun. But "nothing too dark or obscure," which is the biggest misnomer in a music subculture that prides itself in embracing those things. So any chance of learning newer or obscure bands was at a zero, and that really took away the fun of it.
The second part, is the incestuous crowd. It was always a group of regulars who would show up and act like "the cool kids' because they've known the "big names" since the early to mid 90's. And they'd turn their nose at any new faces. They all dress exactly the same, leather jackets with "Siouxsie and the Banshees" scrawled across it. Me, being the dork that I am, painted Lisbeth Salander, Neil Gaiman's Death, or Sith symbols from Star Wars. I'm a geek, but a morbid one. I also wore the "Deathrock Deutschland" badge, because for me, coming from a big Deutschie family, I've always felt at home in Leipzig/Berlin, and I wore it with pride. This didn't sit well with some people, in the last couple of weeks I even tried giving the scene another chance.
It's a gossip fest of manbabies galbabies who, in the end, aren't very creative people, aren't happy, and definitely aren't successful. I love the Goth scene as far as Post-Punk, Coldwave, Minimal is concerned, but the Los Angeles scene is made up of very low-functioning, negative and self-destructive people who love the angst/dark vibe that "the scene" gives them and use it as a tool to lash out at the world.
There were level-headed people, naturally, that I've befriended, but the shit taste in my mouth that the toxic individuals, and overall vibe that this dumb scene has coalesced into, was what made me give up entirely. I feel really bad for the people that are still running these clubs, because they really aren't appreciated here, aren't allowed creative freedom to play what they want when they're not the actual bar owner, and while they might just be a dj, their main job is to be a big babysitter.
Hopefully I'll find my place in a smaller, but less drama filled scene that will just be in it for the music, and go again, soon enough to Deutschieland. (To end on a personal note)
