Motoko has a disconnect from her body, her "shell." She frequently wears scantily clad, or sometimes no clothing, because to her, her body is just a tool, a machine. Her "Ghost" makes her who she is, but she doesn't really know who she is, and is in constant conflict.
Those around her, especially Batou, sees her as any other human. He looks away when she isn't properly covered.
The disconnect she has with her on flesh, is probably some Freudian reason why I love her as a character so much. Maybe I can relate, but in a different way, idk ....
I'm just your average filthy space anti-hero. I blog about gaming, life, love, hate, sex, and failed attempts of conquering the galaxy. Mostly about life and ramblings though
Wednesday, December 6, 2017
Tuesday, November 28, 2017
Done with the "Skeptic" thing
I was involved in the skeptic community when I felt a strong push for theocratic rule in my country, denial of climate change, et cetera.
But I've seen that community turn into a reactionary, negative, community that now embraces "pwned" or "rekt" culture, and sympathizes with really bad people. While being a skeptic is supposed to be about personal freedom, so many of them want society to be a dull, Polo shirt-tucked, subdued generation. They mock anything remotely alternative. I've seen so many of them call anything that is even moderately supportive of lgbt rights, (ala adding lgbt characters to video games) "sjw." I'm so sick and tired of that word being tossed around, and its lost its entire meaning.
I don't support far-left ideology, and I do find a lot of the divisive tactics of modern social justice movements a detriment to a peaceful, altruistic society, but I'm not going to stoop as low and joining in on "gotcha" comments/videos, or the whole "look at this lulcow," mentality. This "jockbro" cesspool that the skeptic community has become, has been really off-putting.
People need to learn to think for themselves, stop being tribalistic, think really hard about what they're getting into and if it benefits the world in a positive light in lieu of just dishing out negative shit to the universe.
But I've seen that community turn into a reactionary, negative, community that now embraces "pwned" or "rekt" culture, and sympathizes with really bad people. While being a skeptic is supposed to be about personal freedom, so many of them want society to be a dull, Polo shirt-tucked, subdued generation. They mock anything remotely alternative. I've seen so many of them call anything that is even moderately supportive of lgbt rights, (ala adding lgbt characters to video games) "sjw." I'm so sick and tired of that word being tossed around, and its lost its entire meaning.
I don't support far-left ideology, and I do find a lot of the divisive tactics of modern social justice movements a detriment to a peaceful, altruistic society, but I'm not going to stoop as low and joining in on "gotcha" comments/videos, or the whole "look at this lulcow," mentality. This "jockbro" cesspool that the skeptic community has become, has been really off-putting.
People need to learn to think for themselves, stop being tribalistic, think really hard about what they're getting into and if it benefits the world in a positive light in lieu of just dishing out negative shit to the universe.
Monday, November 6, 2017
Google Maps (Visions of the Past)
That hill, by my school, once covered in trees, my "secret place" as a child, the place where I went sledding on the rare occasion that it snowed, is now bare, open, the lawn freshly trimmed.
The roads remain still cracked and unkept, the polar opposite of the city life I have been living for years.
The road with the slanted hill, flashback to that one near-death experience. The crazy friend that I had with the truck who wanted to "jump the hill" and almost hit another car while my bestie and I were in the back.
The corner store, who loved my "strange" friends and I, and imported pop soda flavors by our request everyday when we shopped there after highschool, the one by our bus stop, is still alive and well.
The bike trails, once secluded are stripped of trees as well. The place where I would take dangerous midnight bike rides.
The house I grew up in, looks almost the same. Still has the cross that my carpenter grandfather made, attached to the siding. It's creepy, yet endearing at the same time.
There is even more of a church and Wal-Mart on every corner now.
Fast food is in abundance.
The roads remain still cracked and unkept, the polar opposite of the city life I have been living for years.
The road with the slanted hill, flashback to that one near-death experience. The crazy friend that I had with the truck who wanted to "jump the hill" and almost hit another car while my bestie and I were in the back.
The corner store, who loved my "strange" friends and I, and imported pop soda flavors by our request everyday when we shopped there after highschool, the one by our bus stop, is still alive and well.
The bike trails, once secluded are stripped of trees as well. The place where I would take dangerous midnight bike rides.
The house I grew up in, looks almost the same. Still has the cross that my carpenter grandfather made, attached to the siding. It's creepy, yet endearing at the same time.
There is even more of a church and Wal-Mart on every corner now.
Fast food is in abundance.
Sunday, October 15, 2017
Too Complicated ?
I hate that I always am curious and want to investigate everything. I hate that I overthink things. I'm told that it's a good thing, but the truth is, it makes people loathe you. They see you as pretentious, stuck up, weird. It's a social death. But it's like an addiction.
I wish I could just go along with things like everyone else. I'm tired of being hurt, ostracized, fucked over. Logic would say that people would respect you as an individual. But humans are tribalistic creatures.
I wish for once a bridge would guide my way, and not burn right in front of me. :(
I wish I could just go along with things like everyone else. I'm tired of being hurt, ostracized, fucked over. Logic would say that people would respect you as an individual. But humans are tribalistic creatures.
I wish for once a bridge would guide my way, and not burn right in front of me. :(
Friday, October 13, 2017
Not EZPZ to write about
I have Social Anxiety. Actual, medically diagnosed Social Anxiety. That means that the neurons in my body go haywire over social interaction the same they would, if someone that doesn't have it, would react to a dangerous situation. It's a living hell.
However, I got really better for awhile. That's almost ten years ago. All the social skills I gained are lost again after moving here to where I am now. I live in a place where I don't want to go outside. It isn't worth the bad air, the constant barrage of cars everywhere you go, and the bitchy attitudes of people, and always the possibility that someone is going to harass or try to mug you.
It affects my social interaction too. I've fucked up potential friendships online because my social skills are so blehh. I seem to be uptight and boring, not creative, et cetera, when in reality I'm a bird in a cage that can't fly right now.
Idk what to do. I see why so many people off themselves while living here. It's the city of broken dreams for so many, that try so hard to fit in. I won't do that.
But I wish I could apologize to people at times, but that would probably seem ridiculous and disingenuous. Only if I could stop burning bridges though, that would help ~
However, I got really better for awhile. That's almost ten years ago. All the social skills I gained are lost again after moving here to where I am now. I live in a place where I don't want to go outside. It isn't worth the bad air, the constant barrage of cars everywhere you go, and the bitchy attitudes of people, and always the possibility that someone is going to harass or try to mug you.
It affects my social interaction too. I've fucked up potential friendships online because my social skills are so blehh. I seem to be uptight and boring, not creative, et cetera, when in reality I'm a bird in a cage that can't fly right now.
Idk what to do. I see why so many people off themselves while living here. It's the city of broken dreams for so many, that try so hard to fit in. I won't do that.
But I wish I could apologize to people at times, but that would probably seem ridiculous and disingenuous. Only if I could stop burning bridges though, that would help ~
Wanderlust
Leave it all, Turn away
Longest walk, in the rain
Coldest night, in the fray
One last smoke, before the train
Compassion is just fashion
And a kiss is not real
Punch-drunk on illusions
Or things to make you feel
Leave it all, Run away
Nothing left, in the fray
Hidden tears, in the rain
LIning eyes, to hide this pain
Compassion is just fashion
And a kiss is not real
Punch-drunk on illusions
Or things to make you feel
https://soundcloud.com/mel-l-vesper
Longest walk, in the rain
Coldest night, in the fray
One last smoke, before the train
Compassion is just fashion
And a kiss is not real
Punch-drunk on illusions
Or things to make you feel
Leave it all, Run away
Nothing left, in the fray
Hidden tears, in the rain
LIning eyes, to hide this pain
Compassion is just fashion
And a kiss is not real
Punch-drunk on illusions
Or things to make you feel
https://soundcloud.com/mel-l-vesper
Thursday, October 5, 2017
Confuzzled?
It's weird to me when people, guys, say "my D is very confused." I always wonder if I should be the voice of liberation and advise them that they should let their "D" like what it likes, and not stress over it so much.
Wednesday, August 16, 2017
The Los Ang3les Göth/Deäthrock Sc3ne
Could be great, but toxicity and "Hollywood" culture ruined these places for awhile now.
There are a few clubs out here run by djs who have a passion for the music, some of whom even spin in Leipzig's Wave Gotik Treffen. I used to love talking with so many of them at great lengths about bands, about projects they are working on, and geeking out about Minimal Wave + Post-Punk. They're good people.
But I stopped going to the clubs for several reasons.
The scene, at least in most places in the United States, isn't very enthusiastic, it's dwindling. There aren't enough people to financially sustain a regular club night. Social Media, and obnoxious pop stars (dare I say) appropriating the 'Goth' look has kind of watered down the allure of it, and most people have moved onto other things. Therefore, the clubs were watered down as well.
The djs I'm referring to had a HUGE music collection, but they were only allowed to play certain bands, as to not stave off the wandering Hollywood normie. Cookie cutter people love Depeche Mode and The Cure nowadays, so that was fun. But "nothing too dark or obscure," which is the biggest misnomer in a music subculture that prides itself in embracing those things. So any chance of learning newer or obscure bands was at a zero, and that really took away the fun of it.
The second part, is the incestuous crowd. It was always a group of regulars who would show up and act like "the cool kids' because they've known the "big names" since the early to mid 90's. And they'd turn their nose at any new faces. They all dress exactly the same, leather jackets with "Siouxsie and the Banshees" scrawled across it. Me, being the dork that I am, painted Lisbeth Salander, Neil Gaiman's Death, or Sith symbols from Star Wars. I'm a geek, but a morbid one. I also wore the "Deathrock Deutschland" badge, because for me, coming from a big Deutschie family, I've always felt at home in Leipzig/Berlin, and I wore it with pride. This didn't sit well with some people, in the last couple of weeks I even tried giving the scene another chance.
It's a gossip fest of manbabies galbabies who, in the end, aren't very creative people, aren't happy, and definitely aren't successful. I love the Goth scene as far as Post-Punk, Coldwave, Minimal is concerned, but the Los Angeles scene is made up of very low-functioning, negative and self-destructive people who love the angst/dark vibe that "the scene" gives them and use it as a tool to lash out at the world.
There were level-headed people, naturally, that I've befriended, but the shit taste in my mouth that the toxic individuals, and overall vibe that this dumb scene has coalesced into, was what made me give up entirely. I feel really bad for the people that are still running these clubs, because they really aren't appreciated here, aren't allowed creative freedom to play what they want when they're not the actual bar owner, and while they might just be a dj, their main job is to be a big babysitter.
Hopefully I'll find my place in a smaller, but less drama filled scene that will just be in it for the music, and go again, soon enough to Deutschieland. (To end on a personal note)
There are a few clubs out here run by djs who have a passion for the music, some of whom even spin in Leipzig's Wave Gotik Treffen. I used to love talking with so many of them at great lengths about bands, about projects they are working on, and geeking out about Minimal Wave + Post-Punk. They're good people.
But I stopped going to the clubs for several reasons.
The scene, at least in most places in the United States, isn't very enthusiastic, it's dwindling. There aren't enough people to financially sustain a regular club night. Social Media, and obnoxious pop stars (dare I say) appropriating the 'Goth' look has kind of watered down the allure of it, and most people have moved onto other things. Therefore, the clubs were watered down as well.
The djs I'm referring to had a HUGE music collection, but they were only allowed to play certain bands, as to not stave off the wandering Hollywood normie. Cookie cutter people love Depeche Mode and The Cure nowadays, so that was fun. But "nothing too dark or obscure," which is the biggest misnomer in a music subculture that prides itself in embracing those things. So any chance of learning newer or obscure bands was at a zero, and that really took away the fun of it.
The second part, is the incestuous crowd. It was always a group of regulars who would show up and act like "the cool kids' because they've known the "big names" since the early to mid 90's. And they'd turn their nose at any new faces. They all dress exactly the same, leather jackets with "Siouxsie and the Banshees" scrawled across it. Me, being the dork that I am, painted Lisbeth Salander, Neil Gaiman's Death, or Sith symbols from Star Wars. I'm a geek, but a morbid one. I also wore the "Deathrock Deutschland" badge, because for me, coming from a big Deutschie family, I've always felt at home in Leipzig/Berlin, and I wore it with pride. This didn't sit well with some people, in the last couple of weeks I even tried giving the scene another chance.
It's a gossip fest of manbabies galbabies who, in the end, aren't very creative people, aren't happy, and definitely aren't successful. I love the Goth scene as far as Post-Punk, Coldwave, Minimal is concerned, but the Los Angeles scene is made up of very low-functioning, negative and self-destructive people who love the angst/dark vibe that "the scene" gives them and use it as a tool to lash out at the world.
There were level-headed people, naturally, that I've befriended, but the shit taste in my mouth that the toxic individuals, and overall vibe that this dumb scene has coalesced into, was what made me give up entirely. I feel really bad for the people that are still running these clubs, because they really aren't appreciated here, aren't allowed creative freedom to play what they want when they're not the actual bar owner, and while they might just be a dj, their main job is to be a big babysitter.
Hopefully I'll find my place in a smaller, but less drama filled scene that will just be in it for the music, and go again, soon enough to Deutschieland. (To end on a personal note)
Shitty (city) Life and Lack of QOL
When I was a wee, brash, teenie bopper, I dreamed of living where I am now. I wanted the urban chaos, the noise, the clutter, all of the things that encompass living in a metropolis.
But now that I'm actually living here, I will feel like a refugee wherever I end up moving to .
1) The air quality is horrible. Because of the clusterfuck of traffic (literally EVERYONE HAS TO DRIVE to get anywhere here), the air is polluted, your skin breaks out, your hair grows limp and loses any volume, your metabolism is slower because your lungs have to work even harder. It's disgusting.
2) The city life is filthy. It can't be healthy to constantly breathe in human waste on city sidewalks everyday.
3) People are soulless and shallow. They would shoot you in the back just to get a step up on the social ladder, or a Starbucks latte. Metropolises, especially the one I'm in, has the most disingenuous people you will ever meet.
4) Creativity is stifled here. You might think the opposite. You might think that living an a huge place, creativity was encouraged. That is until you consider the cost of living, shitty quality (this leaves me with point 5) of housing, and social pressure to give into what's 'trendy.'
5) Shanty apartments. Take your pick. Would you rather live in a high crime area? A place with no kitchen sink? No air conditioning with a broken fan? A place with a bathroom where mold is growing? Or how about a place that's decently safe, has working appliances, but is 2-3 hours away form your work, that has no nearby grocery stores, and you can't get anywhere without a car, and you'll be sitting in traffic for hours.
The point being. I can't wait to move out of this shithole. Kids, don't move to a metropolis. Don't live in Alabama, or any of the cousin-humping states, but definitely don't move somewhere like here either.
But now that I'm actually living here, I will feel like a refugee wherever I end up moving to .
1) The air quality is horrible. Because of the clusterfuck of traffic (literally EVERYONE HAS TO DRIVE to get anywhere here), the air is polluted, your skin breaks out, your hair grows limp and loses any volume, your metabolism is slower because your lungs have to work even harder. It's disgusting.
2) The city life is filthy. It can't be healthy to constantly breathe in human waste on city sidewalks everyday.
3) People are soulless and shallow. They would shoot you in the back just to get a step up on the social ladder, or a Starbucks latte. Metropolises, especially the one I'm in, has the most disingenuous people you will ever meet.
4) Creativity is stifled here. You might think the opposite. You might think that living an a huge place, creativity was encouraged. That is until you consider the cost of living, shitty quality (this leaves me with point 5) of housing, and social pressure to give into what's 'trendy.'
5) Shanty apartments. Take your pick. Would you rather live in a high crime area? A place with no kitchen sink? No air conditioning with a broken fan? A place with a bathroom where mold is growing? Or how about a place that's decently safe, has working appliances, but is 2-3 hours away form your work, that has no nearby grocery stores, and you can't get anywhere without a car, and you'll be sitting in traffic for hours.
The point being. I can't wait to move out of this shithole. Kids, don't move to a metropolis. Don't live in Alabama, or any of the cousin-humping states, but definitely don't move somewhere like here either.
Monday, August 7, 2017
Cringiest Things About Tumblr
1) Neurotic outbursts that make no sense "I'M SCREAMING!" "I'M CRYING!" when people aren't doing either of those fucking things. No one is browsing the internet casually and outbursting like a crackwhore when they see something they like.
2) Turning cool things into fluff. A fictional character, especially one that is kinda more noir-ish, maybe violent, etc into chibi art or other vomit-inducing caricatures that are miles apart from their personality.3) Waifu bullshit. They aren't real.
4) Constant discourse/reading too much into things. "This movie is offensive because......" you know that type that you picture wearing those fugly "problem glasses"
5) Ghetto response .gifs. Excited about something (this probably goes with the neurotic thing), so they post obnoxious gifs of trashy people on a talk show like Oprah or Maury, crying or flailing about. Or that obnoxious "longest yeah boy!" thing...............
Tuesday, August 1, 2017
Gay-Written Shows Suck
Shows like the L Word, and gay movies written by gay people, make me gag. The plots usually can be summarized in the following way: "hey everybody, I'm a lesbian, and I do lesbian things, all my friends are lesbians! LOL did they U-HAUL? Animal Adoption! West Hollywood! *Vagina reference*...."
My representation comes from outside the lgbt community. Video games like Mass Effect/Dragon Age/Skyrim, comic books like Sunstone, anime like Rin, movies like The Girl with the Dragon Tattoo, Atomic Blonde, Tank Girl, etc, I can relate to. Plus, dear god, do they develop characters better, have better acting, actually attractive characters (not some stereotypical caricatures with a ton of body hair).
My representation comes from outside the lgbt community. Video games like Mass Effect/Dragon Age/Skyrim, comic books like Sunstone, anime like Rin, movies like The Girl with the Dragon Tattoo, Atomic Blonde, Tank Girl, etc, I can relate to. Plus, dear god, do they develop characters better, have better acting, actually attractive characters (not some stereotypical caricatures with a ton of body hair).
Monday, July 31, 2017
Compassion/Empathy & The Internet of Today
Being compassionate about people, the environment, agriculture, is met with malice & scorn now. In the age where it's "hip" to be politically incorrect, purposefully offensive, and rude, it's not really safe to publicly say if you suppose a cause.
If you're a vegan (no, not the kind that act holier than thou and chastise others' dietary choices, but the kind that just quietly try to make a difference), you're going to be harassed and expect a million "bacon" remarks.
If you support lgbt rights, well you're just a sjw.
If you don't think it's cool to pick on trans folk, who already have a hell of a time trying to fit into society, you're going to be called a 'pussy' and a 'cuck.'
It's hip to be a dick, more so now than ever. I am not the kind of far-left person I used to be, but because I am still liberal and want to live in a world where people can co-exist, it feels like there's no place for me in a time where it's "cool" to be a pseudo-fascist.
It's tribalism, it's horseshoe theory, and it's immature, but it's the world we live in. It ain't a miracle that I feel a constant disconnect from socializing with people as of late.
People are either so far to the left-extreme to where everything is offensive, and you get chastised for having light skin pigment, to the before-mentioned dickish behavior on the right. We all, as humanoids, on this dying planet, have forgotten the golden rule, and how to get along. It's sad to witness this happening from quietly in the back. Makes one wonder if human beings will ever learn from their mistakes.
If you're a vegan (no, not the kind that act holier than thou and chastise others' dietary choices, but the kind that just quietly try to make a difference), you're going to be harassed and expect a million "bacon" remarks.
If you support lgbt rights, well you're just a sjw.
If you don't think it's cool to pick on trans folk, who already have a hell of a time trying to fit into society, you're going to be called a 'pussy' and a 'cuck.'
It's hip to be a dick, more so now than ever. I am not the kind of far-left person I used to be, but because I am still liberal and want to live in a world where people can co-exist, it feels like there's no place for me in a time where it's "cool" to be a pseudo-fascist.
It's tribalism, it's horseshoe theory, and it's immature, but it's the world we live in. It ain't a miracle that I feel a constant disconnect from socializing with people as of late.
People are either so far to the left-extreme to where everything is offensive, and you get chastised for having light skin pigment, to the before-mentioned dickish behavior on the right. We all, as humanoids, on this dying planet, have forgotten the golden rule, and how to get along. It's sad to witness this happening from quietly in the back. Makes one wonder if human beings will ever learn from their mistakes.
Wednesday, June 28, 2017
Cafe Gr!ititude/Twitter Character Limits
So I can went to Cafe Gratitude with my gf to get breakfast. The first thing we noticed, is the place is ridiculously pretentious with decorations, and the food was hellishly expensive.
The waitress stops by and tells us, "the question of the day is 'WHAT MAKES US GRATEFUL?" to which we gave her a blank stare like, "really? are you seriously doing this?"
Anyways, I hated everything on the menu. I normally love vegan/vegetarian restaurants, but everything as extra hippie-ish. So I just got guacamole and pita. But the pita was made out of buckwheat, so it tasted like soggy cereal, and the guacamole had no flavor, and I felt myself getting really sick eating it.
To make matters worse, there was a party going on at the next table, and they were being really loud. And when their guest of honor arrived, they yelled "SURPRISE!!!!!" which scared the shit out of me, (seriously who does that in a public place?!)........
So, never went back there.....
But there's more! It's one of those fancy schamncy vegan restaurants that is loved by the wealthy class in Hell-A. That is until the ironic discovery that the owners of this vegan restaurant own a farm which has livestock raised for meat. So now everyone hates them...
L.A. is a weird place to live in when you aren't rich. If you ever have seen The Hunger Games, you feel like District 13 visiting the snobby people on The Citadel. XD
The waitress stops by and tells us, "the question of the day is 'WHAT MAKES US GRATEFUL?" to which we gave her a blank stare like, "really? are you seriously doing this?"
Anyways, I hated everything on the menu. I normally love vegan/vegetarian restaurants, but everything as extra hippie-ish. So I just got guacamole and pita. But the pita was made out of buckwheat, so it tasted like soggy cereal, and the guacamole had no flavor, and I felt myself getting really sick eating it.
To make matters worse, there was a party going on at the next table, and they were being really loud. And when their guest of honor arrived, they yelled "SURPRISE!!!!!" which scared the shit out of me, (seriously who does that in a public place?!)........
So, never went back there.....
But there's more! It's one of those fancy schamncy vegan restaurants that is loved by the wealthy class in Hell-A. That is until the ironic discovery that the owners of this vegan restaurant own a farm which has livestock raised for meat. So now everyone hates them...
L.A. is a weird place to live in when you aren't rich. If you ever have seen The Hunger Games, you feel like District 13 visiting the snobby people on The Citadel. XD
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